I cannot matter anymore. Seeing wrist against bathroom floor, I realize how easy it would be to be dead. I want to return to being empty bones, before anything formed in my mother's womb.

What are my options, really?

I think something inside me died today. I cannot stop thinking about it. It really would be too easy.

What's wrong with wanting life to be easy? If someone fucking thinks they have the right to tell you you have no moral courage, well then they are wrong. Because I have the motherfucking moral courage to say that living like this is not living at all and I am much better buried under the ground. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come? Dreams are so much easier than all this. I am consumed.

I will now pine away for that which I cannot have (everything) and leave myself on the hill at night. I will go buy a new Chinese dictionary as though I am taking my exam on Monday. I will find a way to stop the feeling of my head exploding and consider forgetting to eat so that I can wither away.