NAGGING ME TO STUDY DOESN'T FUCKING HELP. SRSLY WHAT DOES IT ACHIEVE? I'M SO STRESSED ALREADY DO YOU REALLY THINK I NEED THE PRESSURE DON'T ACT LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND MY LIFE OR THAT EVERYTHING CAN BE DONE THE WAY YOU THINK IT CAN. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE BY YOUR EXPECTATIONS ANYMORE. I AM GOING TO LIVE BY MY OWN SO YOU CAN TAKE YOURS AND FUCK OFF. I DON'T NEED THIS.

There are days I honestly don't know whether I am the first someone thinks about. I'm not really conventionally cool or anything, I'm 18 and I haven't been drinking and partying out at clubs. And though I don't actually want to drink or anything, I just feel like kind of a dependent nerd who studies and tumblrs and waits around for her boyfriend to come home, which is pretty fucking lame. I think people would like me if I were more independent. I think I would like me more. It's the way I've always appeared, even though I'm quite needy and independence was mostly to mask the loneliness. Now that I'm not actually lonely, I'm at a bit of a loss. I don't think giving so much of yourself should result in yourself not actually being there. Identity is not supposed to be this hard to retain. Okay. I resolve to write something for me today. A good meaty short story that has really nothing to do with my life.

Sorry things have been trying lately. If only you could see how

YOU WASTE SO MUCH OF MY FUCKING TIME

HATE THE FACT THAT I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING

BUT FUCK EVERYTHING OKAY FUCK FUCK FUCK

'There is no physical description of her beauty of the kind familiar in most Elizabethan love lyrics; the compliment exists wholly in what the poet feels.'

And that is perhaps the greatest compliment.

I do adore John Donne. We would totally have been bros. We will have lulzy conversations in heaven.

It bothers me that everyone else writes their blog/tumblr entries with what seems like maturity that surpasses my own. Maybe they're right - I might be ten times smarter but their way of life is so much better. Because what of avoiding replying a teacher's text message, or crying over being late to school? That is not a life, and you have taught me that.

I have never doubted God's existence, though I might write about it (probably to sound pretentious). That surprises a lot of people, because I am aware that I come across as an atheist. I take KI, I loathe chapel, and think the Bible is makes less sense than Lewis Carroll's nonsense verse. But why does belief in God have to come with so many strings attached? Organized religion is not belief in God, telling peoples of other religions that they will not be saved unless they convert is definitely not belief in God, raising your hands to show the public that you believe in a God that will save you only because you pray is not belief in God. God is private, and you find him in the sanctity of small things like fresh blades of grass and miniscule stars. God is that feeling of being taken care of and connected no matter where you go, because even if you get into a car accident tomorrow God forgives everything and everyone eventually goes to heaven. An infinite, good being always knows what is best even if it seems terrible now.

At times I have these moments where I am cognizant of the fact that I have lived before - and it kills me to think that i have to go through this process all over again. Growing up, falling, puberty, looking and looking for you (though if I find you as soon as I did in this life then I will gladly live again), everything happening in a cycle of hardship and relaxation and struggle and meditation. I cannot imagine being old and having my first baby, and then possessing a head full of gray hairs. And it can be incredibly hard to remember that I have everything anyone could ever want, since felicity like this is so hard to come by that it makes up for everything. So I will remember, whilst also remembering that I am a whole by myself.

Because if we waste this quietly expanding universe of tenderness then how sorry will we be?

Got to have faith in myself but so hard because I am second best at everything. Have so many accolades but none of them truly impressive or showing a proper mastery of a craft/area. So easily overwhelmed by panic to the point where it is my fault. So difficult not to believe that I am inherently worthless as a person and that everyone I love doesn't deserve better I am so so tired of this and that and everything that hits me and envelopes me where I cry in small spaces

guess once again I'm just functioning and there is no swan in my movement or lyric in my words wish things would stop being my fault stop