Because in the end I do not think I am very old at all, and when I see someone with my wrists in the mirror I can't be more than five years old, looking for safety in the arms of a blanket and a strong chest. I would like the smell of mail planes and old letters and very hot coffee in the morning to be juxtaposed against the tedium everyone else holds up on their backs, while I sit in a hammock's bowl.

I am in love with you.

There is a soft clearness about the world today, starting from the moment I slept to when I woke up.

There is a never-ending thread wound around my consciousness that makes the sun warm and the breeze perfect.

Things feel right today.

Because I can record my thoughts when I am happy too. And for the record, I am very happy.

I am going to get help. I am going to help myself. I am going to force myself to do this. Even though I don't want to do anything at all.

But how would I tell them it would break their hearts

Maybe I should just suck it up

Should I start cutting people off

because clearly

I am no good to anyone

I think I need to get help

I am going to get dressed and wander today

goodbye

OK I AM NOT DONE WITH FEELING LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK CLEARLY AM WORTH NOTHING TO NOBODY I HATE BEING ALIVE CHRIST

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS GODDAMN HOUSE AND FORGET ALL THIS STUPID FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WHY AM I SO DEFECTIVE I REALLY FUCKING HATE MYSELF WHAT FUCK THIS FUCK SCHOOL FUCK ME I NEED TO LEAVE THIS

GOD WHAT THE FUCK

one day I plan to wake up dead

people convincing me to stay alive are doing me a disservice

Because I am totally fine with being alone for another few years. I should not be wasting time like this and it would not be productive. I am absolutely right anyway. Look what happened last time.

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

ok done with feeling stupid.

How is it that I can write about a culture that feels more like home to me than this place ever would. I am relatively sure the inside of my own head is the entire world.

I need to go out and see myself.

I am not crazy. I don't want to study alone today. I don't want to be alone ever anymore. If I am still on the honour roll why do I feel like shit? Why the fuck must I feel like shit every day? What the fuck is this? What happened to the person who could go home every day and study for six hours for fucking O levels and now that things are getting tighter and more important I am just losing it completely? I haven't even signed up for my SATs what the fuck. Do I even want to leave right after A Levels? Do I want to try my hand at business, or working for my mom, or writing a novel, what??

For the first time in my life I do not know what I want. It has always been "let's go live fairytale lives in ny" but now I just do not want to work towards well anything. No matter how closely I follow the schedule, I don't want what's at the end.

Omg what is this realizing that life has no meaning and going certifiably insane

I think this is why I feel so sorry for Demi Lovato