I am so much stronger than I ever knew. I am practical, I am realistic, I am a logical mind. I will always have honesty. I will have everything I ever wanted.

I like honest poetry,
I like keeping passwords the same,
I like the catharsis of space clearing,
I like songs sung tenderly, that have little touches that exceed the general so that I know they are meant for us,
I like finishing things,
I like being able to see it in your eyes,
I like being so fantastically happy that I have sure knowledge of the future,
I like feeling as though the world is easy,
I like feeling unlimited,
I like traditional holidays though I don't know why they are important,
I like feeling smart, and have surges of power start up in me,
I like being okay and moving on from things that are potentially disastrous but I don't let them be,
I like being efficient and using every bit of time effectively,
I like taking naps in the rain,
I'd like it better if I could wake up in your arms,
I like intelligent essays that are easy to read because the author is intelligent enough to know that five-line sentences are not intelligent at all,
I like being right,
I like keeping my blog private (relatively),
I like being with you,
I like when you smile in disbelief,
I like the thought that I am going to spend the rest of my life with you most of all.

I do not know this word "can't", I constantly empower myself and find time to complete my tasks. I am free, this is all going towards a life with you. I must remember that life is so very short so I would like to spend as much time as possible staying calm with you and knowing that if life can give me this it can give me everything. I am a bright, focused young seventeen year old. I can figure things out for myself. I can carve out time for myself and to feel whole and not frustrated. I know that I will enjoy this year, because I have spent too much of the last year worrying about my self-worth and whether I can accomplish things, to the point where it inhibited my accomplishing things. So I have stopped being silly as of this moment, and will stand up straight and realize that I will not die if I do not check Facebook every five minutes. I have returned to the things that I love. I understand that I need time to be alone. I am fully capable of working through anything and everything, breaking things down until I am their conqueror. I am in complete control. This is everything I am. Calm, complete, with an unshakeable inner peace and resilience. I give myself good pep talks.

I'm sorry I'm awful and tired and impotent and I don't grow

Occasionally I panic because no one could possibly love me as much as I love them. How is this good for my soul?

I'm sorry for breaking my promise. I do still think about it.

Sometimes I see eyes in the ceiling
tumbling over my scads of clothes
and burning through to my naked body
leaving me in a state of stillborn lethargy
unable to hold a pen upright
to form sentences that mean more than
the fog scraping at the edges of consciousness

this is when I have nightmares
where paralysis alone in the dark translates
to day



so very scared of this year. how is fear anything at all? will resolve this because I am strong and decisive.