Denny: This country works Alan, you Democrats don't want to admit it. Oh I'm not saying there aren't kinks,foam chips off the occasional space craft, we start the odd war on false pretenses, but by and large America works. That's why I'm completely nuts about it.
Alan: To Denny Crane
Denny: Completely nuts.
Denny-What are you women doing in my office.
Sally- Denny, you don't know what's going on?
Denny- I think I do. Let's all take off our pants.
I have noticed a direct relation between Boston Legal and the zits I get. Two days of boston legal is like a clay mask!
I shall hereby post two recent transcripts of alan shore's closing speeches. top form. THE MAN IS MY HERO FOR A REASON?!
Alan Shore has brought his very own personal soapbox with him, and sets it in the middle of the floor; steps up onto it, and buttons his jacket for good measure.
Judge: What are you doing?
Alan Shore: Climbing on my soapbox, Judge. I do it once a week.
Judge: Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore!
Alan Shore: You sure? This is vintage soapbox stuff. You’ve got God, money, steps off soapbox politics, homosexuality. Has anyone ever heard of restless legs syndrome? It’s where you move your leg about in your sleep. It’s awful. You may have it. It may not keep you awake; it doesn’t really harm you in any way. It may not bother you in the slightest, but nonetheless it’s awful. The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so. So they’ve invented a drug, and you simply must take it. If you haven’t heard of restless leg, by the way, you probably have attention deficit disorder. Awful. We’ve got a lot of drugs for that one. You must take them. You’re depressed.
Cut to a female juror who looks somewhat sad.
Alan Shore: You’re not sleeping enough.
Cut to Denny Crane, who IS sleeping!
Alan Shore: You think you’re shy, but you’ve actually got a social anxiety disorder.
Cut to male juror who looks a bit uncomfortable with the attention.
Alan Shore: as camera pans across an older male juror Weak stream. and another male juror Irritable bowel syndrome. You people have all kinds of ailments you don’t know about. Luckily, we’ve got drugs for every one of them. You must take them. My colleague has a case involving a “Forgetting Pill.” You can take that one to forget you ever had restless leg or irritable bowels!
Judge: Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?
Alan Shore: Same-sex Attraction Disorder. And what troubles me is why the folks in Big Pharmaceutical haven’t invented a pill for this disease. Clearly, they’re in the business of selling sickness. If there was a profit to be made, they would make it. And with an estimated gay population of over 10 million in the U.S. alone, there’s certainly a big enough market. Could it be that they can’t cure it? Well, not to worry. If Big Pharmaceutical can’t do it, maybe Big Religion can. And they are. They’re the ones who coined the term, “Same-Sex Attraction Disorder.” It’s a very good name. Very important, a good name. It’s a crucial first step in disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population and categorizing them as a disease. Makes homosexuals seem less like people and more like the flu. And with terrible, awful symptoms, makes a face but curable, and therefore less concerning when it comes to things like an individual’s rights: freedom, privacy, marriage. Big Religion is very concerned with marriage. Big Religion is the one filling the pockets of Congress. It actually got them to propose a Constitutional ban on gay marriage. Think about that. A governmentally imposed, systematic prejudice against a class based on their sexual orientation. Never mind that one of the most trusted evangelical advisors to the President was himself having a homosexual affair on the side. Never mind that one of our Congressmen was writing naughty e-mails to his teenage male pages. Isn’t it just a disease? And I thought it was curable. That’s what they told me down at the church. Well, you can legislate against it. You can give it a clever name and treat people for it. You can shut your eyes, have sex with your wife, and pretend it all feels right. You can join the church and swear to be celibate. You can drive around on a Saturday night with a baseball bat and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet. You can even come to this courtroom and testify as to your new leaf and how well it’s all working. What a miracle! My only response is: Give it time. We’ll see. Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client, promising to cure him of his gayness. Only in America! Only in a country that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice against a class of people by proposing Constitutional amendments. God bless us all! Home of the brave! Shame on you. Couldn’t you have at least offered a money-back guarantee, and thrown in a blender?
~~~~~~~
Sally Heep: We’re talking about freedom of religion—the most basic of individual liberties. Scientology may seem
a little wacky to Mr. Espenson. So what? We never hold religion up to standards of reasonableness. If we did,
what religion could pass? Christian Scientists won’t go to the doctor. Jehovah’s Witnesses forbid singing the
national anthem and buying Girl Scout cookies. Radical Islamists blow themselves up to meet virgins in heaven.
The Hindus have their cow. People believe in all kinds of things. It is their right to do so under the First
Amendment. But the defendant doesn’t want to afford that liberty to Douglas Karnes, because he believes that
Scientology is just a little too out there, I guess. Come on. Freedom of religion means just that.
Alan Shore: Ugh, please. It’s a dumb freedom. An employee’s behavior reflects on their employer, for God’s sake.
In this case, we’re talking about a law firm, a business in which clients look for good judgment, sound and sane
counsel. This guy’s running around saying man evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our
volcanoes. He’s a nutjob. And I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of this freedom of religion thing.
When did religion get such a good name, anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation genocides, the “troubles” in
Northern Ireland, the Middle East, mass slaughters supposedly in the name of Allah, and then, of course, the
obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his
business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It’s our greatest threat today—a Holy
Jihad. If we’re not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, how ‘bout we at least scale back a little on the
constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?
Sally Heep: Your Honor, I would love to know what this has to do with my client being fired?
Judge Willard Reese shrugs, and raises his hands in question.
Alan Shore: Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete
loon, and he now tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied.
Everybody should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God—of course. But to impose him on
others, to victimize others in His Name, the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to
license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don’t tell me he’s not
victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around, telling clients and other attorneys that, according to his most
recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he’s getting closer to immortality, at which point he’ll be able to leave his body
and talk to zebras. At a certain point, we have to say, “Enough with this freedom of religion crap. Yuck. Yuck,
yuck.” marches back to his chair, sits, then stands again Yes, I know. I’ll get letters.
Congratulations! For making it this far! May I offer you to have a marathon with me?
Labels: boston mcfucking legal.
