I frequently do not understand myself at all. There is nobody better to tell me my motivations than me, yet I can't get myself motivated. I know what's at stake, yet there is this inexplicable dull, lethal cocktail of ennui, stress and frustration that is driving me insane.

History test: Haven't studied.

Chinese homework: Haven't done it.

Beliefs essay: Haven't done it.

Really tried: Haven't come close.

For somebody who wants everything, I'm certainly not doing anything to achieve it. What is wrong with this picture? Sometimes it feels like life is too much, everything is just too much.

I don't want to swear, I don't want to engage in vices. I want to curl up in a ball and forget the world as it is. I want to forget how to think, because how much easier is that? Being intelligent is the sickest double-edged sword in the world. What kind of life is this? I hate every second I'm going under I'm losing my mind. Avoidance is how I deal with alot of things.

I need to be saved.