I do not know why I am so filled with fear or why I have a compulsion to doubt everything good in my life. I cannot accept that I am by nature self-destructive. I'm tired of being like this. I am a small child who has never moved to a new place or liked different patterns or made friends easily. Sometimes I am baffled as to why people put up with me. I will cease having crying fits and lying around like a dead animal.

Where do we all go?

How is it that we are expected to make resilient decisions and change our circle of friends and keep moving and evolving and forgetting when there was nothing wrong with what you had in the first place? What if what you have is great? But then life must come and turn you around by the shoulders and send you off as a soldier in another direction. Where you leave people behind and you cannot come back to home. Well, after 17 years of knowing exactly what I was going to do, now it is different. Now I really don't know, and I'm chugging along to a rhythm that doesn't seem to get me anyplace. I only want the people around me to stay forever. But they all want to fly in different directions, and if they all fly away, then maybe I should too, so it will feel like a choice. But the thought of being strangers kills me, because these people have formed part of my soul, and to introduce distance would hurt more than anything. Or worse, it will happen slowly until one day I wake up and we feel nothing for each other anymore.

I need to know that I can keep our threads twined. That they will not break, and that any resilient decisions I make do not mean bearing the cost of losing any of you.